Dreams...

So a few weeks ago, I had a really trippy dream.

I was in a doctors office. My Mom, Dad, BD and Wee were all in the office. No one else but docs and nurses. It was someplace green. I think Oregon. Beautiful trees with flowers and pretty plants outside. The air was misty and humid but cool. The office, was sterile and dark. The smell of death was in the air that was being pumped from outside.

My doctor, an average white man, came out and said "it has to happen today. There's no way we can prolong it. It must be done." My mother started to sob. BD was sobbing. Wee, was too young to understand. My Dad, put his arms around me and said, "I'll see you on the other side." and let go of me and walked out the doors.


I became panicked. Do I pray? Is it too late? What if God is on to me and now that I'm praying he sees that the only reason is that I'm gonna die in a few hours/minutes. What if I go to hell? The anxiety swelled up in me. I couldn't breathe. I started to cry hysterically. I didn't know what to do. I could feel my soul being pulled in every direction possible.

The doc came out and said, "Okay folks, it's time. We can't wait any longer." My mother started to cry hysterically. BD was standing completely still and shocked like a dear in headlights. Wee was running around eating papers and pushing buttons on the TV. I didn't feel anything but fear. Tears streamed down my cheeks as if my eyes were being flooded with water. I couldn't move. I couldn't breathe.

My Dad reached behind me. He said, "Don't worry fidgett. I'm here." My body went limp and I fell to the floor. The docs and nurses lifted me to a wheelchair. I went into a room with windows. They stuck needles in me. I could see my family watching and sobbing. I begged God, anyone and everyone, to hear me. My Dad stood at the back of the room. I could smell the outside air. It was clean and hinted of the ocean breeze. The nurse stuck the 1st needle in me. The plunger went down and filled my veins with whatever liquid it contained. I went to sleep.

Then....



I woke up.

Update....

Hi guys!

Just wanted to update you all.

First of all, thank you so much to all of you that have emailed or called. I truly appreciate your thoughts and well wishes. Meli...I am SOOOOO sorry I keep missing you! It is not intentional, I just don't have the phone on or it's on vibrate and I don't hear it. I just keep missing you and when I see you called, it's too late :( I love you so though!

Second, I'm seeing a counselor. The one that BD and I went to a long time ago is an addiction specialist and I'm going back to him. Plus, I called the patient advocate at the VA and told them what was going on and they are going to try to help me find a new doctor to get this bitch under some control. I also let BD know what was going on. He's been on my ass about being "weird" lately and I finally told him what was going on and he and I are working through it.

As for the family...well...My Mom is okay. She's had some high blood pressure and has had to cut back at work which is worrying me so I haven't told her anything. The bro and sis...I could care less. BD and I are managing. I don't want to sugar coat things and say that everything is okay cuz it's going to take time. But at least he is aware now and is being supportive. That's the thing I need most right now.

I feel much better than I did when I wrote last so that is good. I'm making some improvements and seeking out the help where I can. Rehab would be ideal, but I just don't have the situation to allow it right now. Believe me, if I could go, I would. I just can't unfortunately. So, I'm getting there.

I'll try to post again soon. And thank you all for your friendship and well wishes. It means a lot to me.

Confession time...

Okay, so my break is temporarily over. I got a problem....

I really thought that I've been doing okay with my dad being gone, but I've come to realize, I'm not. I've just been swallowing it. Pushing it aside as if by some miracle, I'll hear him again. I'll hug him and be able to see him. And I'm really upset that it's not going to happen.

So what's been going on with me? OMG...I'm a fucking mess. My sister is a fucking hag that I have no desire to have anything to do with. My brother, he's just as bad. I have no respect for either of them. BD and I, well, we are "okay". The only thing holding me is my son and my Mom. Other than that, emotionally, I feel alone.

I have come to realize that I have a BAD problem here. I went out with my DEAR DEAR friend Susan Friday before last and got so plastered I can barely remember anything. She has some major problems going on and I thought that it would be fun. Turns out it was really retarded. Both of us have been through marriage, divorce, babies, death, etc...over the last 10 years I have known her. She is my BEST friend and I love her dearly. So for both of us, this is a really hard time and I don't know if we are helping or hurting each other.

Since that night out, I just can't stop. Bullshit...it was before that. When I was in Oregon trying to help my Mom after my Dad died, all I did was drink. As soon as my feet hit the floor in the morning, I drank. Didn't stop until I passed out in the night or ran out. I took a month off recently, but that clearly didn't help. As you may remember, on Christmas, I had the seizure. Bad combo of drugs is what caused it thanks to incompetent doctors. I spent about a week completely out of this world on NEW drugs that were supposed to help me detox. I don't remember too much after Christmas morning until flying home. You would think that would have been a wake up call. OH NO. You see...I have a LONG history with alcohol.

The first memory I have of having a drink was about 3 maybe 4 years old. Dad would say, "George, go get me a beer." So I'd go to the fridge, crack it open, take a swig and hand it to him. I remember a party one night with family and friends around the same time where I just walked over and grabbed his beer and drank the whole thing. No one cared. They thought it was funny. I know now, my Mom had no idea that happened. It went on like that my whole life. When I was 11, I went to a "going away" party for a school friend named Pat. My mom gave me 2 hours to go to this party. In that time, I drank a 6 pack of beer and half of a bottle of vodka. The following NYE, me and my friend Brenda decided to get into Dad's Crown Royal and drank nearly all of it. This went on throughout my teen years. Ditching school, drinking, drugs, etc...My graduation from High School, I drank a fifth of Jack Daniels by myself. Then I joined the USAF. You have all heard those stories. Then, I moved here. I kept myself straight for the most part until I got out. Then all hell broke loose it seems. The worst thing I think I have heard over the last 10 years was, "for such a little thing, you sure can put down the booze." At the time, I was impressed with myself, but now, I feel like an asshole.

Like I said, when Dad died, I couldn't deal with being in the house, with my brother...so I just drank and drank and drank and drank. I recently spent almost a month sober until that night out with my friend. Then this past Saturday, I went and got a half gallon of rum and drank 3/4 of it in one night. I've even gone so far as to drink in the morning, drink at work, drink before I get home.

What the fuck do I do now? I've talked to my doc and got a very...unimpressive response. It was like she didn't believe me. I'm scared basically. I can't do this. I've been to AA and it's stupid. A bunch of people feeling sorry for themselves telling stories so we can all relate. I TRY TRY TRY to think of Wee Man. But I'm so wrapped up in this pain I just don't know what to do. I'm on anti-depressants which are not even close to helping.

Not like I'm looking for praise here, but at least I've kept my marbles enough to NEVER drink and drive with EJ in the car and if I'm alone, I'm always watching out for him. But I'm worried this thing is gonna get an even bigger hold on me and something will happen to Wee. If it does, I won't be able to live with myself. I mean fuck, if it wasn't for him and my Mom, in honesty, I think I'd check out.

FUCK. FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

S'alallah...

I'm sorry for this, but I'm in a REALLY BAD MOOD.

I don't know if I ever told you all this, so forgive me if I already did...

I was in Oman (on the Saudi Arabian horn) back in '98. We were down there for a "classified" operation. There were 15 of us that were selected to go into town to check out the local "economy" and report back to the contracting office with our findings if you will.

We were told to tell anyone that asked that we were Canadian students on a holiday. It was considered a hot zone so we could not tell people we were American. The Omani government was known for harboring Islamic terrorists.

So, we go to a bank to pull money out of our accounts dressed in our civilian clothes. I come out from using the ATM and one of the other girls, Stephanie, went in behind me. In the parking lot there was a group of boys and men. Probably 50 or so in total. All of them chanting "praise be to Allah" in Arabic and they were ALL carrying guns. AK47's and knives and swords and what not. The youngest boy I saw couldn't have been more than 5 years old. Stephanie had never been in the Middle East so she was completely freaked out. I had already been several times and knew that this was nothing to get worked up over.

In the Middle East, they teach the boys to fight as soon as they can hold a weapon. It's not that much different from how I grew up. My Dad put a gun in my hands when he knew I could hold it and told me "Don't you drop that gun." So why do we condemn them? Is it because we don't understand as a nation?

"kill the infidel" right? One without faith? What is faith? Is it a belief in an invisible being? Is it a belief that good over powers evil? Is it a belief that Christianity will take over Islam? Believe what you want. But know this...

Over in the Middle East, just like in this country, kids are being taught to kill. All in the name of "God". Who is "God"? Do you know who this is? Can you actuall say that "he" exists? Have you seen "him"? Have you witnessed a "miracle"? NO? Yes?

Mother is pissed. And as she has done for millions of years, she is getting rid of the parasite. We are the parasite. AIDS, HIV, EBOLA, ANTI-BIOTIC RESISTANT DRUGS, PTSD, AUTISM, ADHD, AND ANY OTHER "VIRUS" THAT WE DRUG OURSELVES FOR.

Stop taking the drugs. STOP. Stop believing in something that doesn't exist. The corporations want you drugged and want you to keep believing in a falsehood.

Seek the truth. No matter what it is to you. Seek it. It's there for your taking.

Mom's coming round again. Mom's gonna fix it all soon.

Taking a break...

Alright...I guess it's obvious. I just don't have the energy right now. Nothing clever/funny to say. So, I'm going to take a small break. Don't know how long, but I'll be back. And when I am, I'll come by to let you all know.

I'll be thinking of you all. Cate: take care of yourself. Pregnancy is no joke. Jess: Can't wait to get my invite. Annie: keep on traveling and making us all hungry. Meli: I love you.

See you soon. I promise.

Signs....

So, it's been a little while. I know I haven't been visiting like I should. I just don't have the will to do it right now. Please don't think I've forgotten you all.

As you can see by the time on this post, it's a little late tonight. Everyone is in bed. I've been working on a short story of sorts and trying to decide if I want to put it on here or not. We'll see. But, I am writing because something amazing has happened just now.

I would like to think I'm doing okay dealing with my Dad's passing. I don't cry every day anymore. But I think about him every day. So, just a minute ago, I put my story down and go to have a smoke. I am standing at the edge of the sidewalk and I start to think about Dad. I feel this sensation on my arms and back like I'm being hugged. Of course, I start to cry. When I open my eyes and look to the sky, a beautifully bright star shot across the sky.

I can count on one hand the number of times I've seen a shooting star in this town in the 10 years I have been here. It's too bright to see very many stars, let alone one like this. I live near the highway and a casino so the lights drown out the best stars. I can't help but think if I had kept my eyes shut for just a split second, I would have missed it. But I didn't. Oh my God was it beautiful. It was the brightest I have ever seen. And it was for me.

It has been a while since I felt his presence or since I felt like I NEEDED to feel it. Wow. What an amazing moment. I'm glad I was alone!

Thank you old man.

The Who-The Seeker

Listen...just listen.

And seek.....